Powerful study on Roles for Husbands!

This week we continued our 12 week series on the family by sharing guidelines for husbands.  As we suspected, this was a powerful and meaningful teaching!

Rachel and Linet - first to arrive!

Denise, Josephine and Rose

After opening with prayer Denise started the morning by stressing the reality that great and satisfying marriages are no accident and require hard work!

The first requirement couples must possess to have successful marriages is the intense desire - which includes a willingness to take action...

Josephine studying Denise

 The second requirement is to have the knowledge in how to build a successful relationship...

Josephine is passionate about the marriage relationship!

Josephine faithfully translating into Swahili!

The third requirement is grace - and this one is essential and foundational to any great marriage!  When a couple embraces desire, knowledge and grace, then God can work powerfully in the relationship...

Rachel deep in thought

 Rose read our first scripture - 1 Cor 11:3...

 ...and Denise read the second - Eph 5:23.  Both emphasize Christ as the head of the husband and husband as head of the wife.

 As "head" he is to take charge and take responsibility for their relationship...

Sarah listening intently while looking at the words on the board

...so Responsibility #1 is for the husband to take responsibility for his marriage...

 ...he is to be the provider, protector and supporter for his wife.  When he neglects to take his delegated (by Christ) responsibility the wife is often forced into a position she is not to assume.  That is NOT God's plan!

Serah and Rachel

In those circumstances the wife will have to fight battles that are not hers to fight and have stress she is not to have...

Linet and Susan

The husband will never spiritually take charge of his marriage until Jesus is able to take charge of him...

Then Rose (our reader!) read from Eph 5:25-31 which speaks of the husband loving the wife even as Christ loves the church...

Responsibility #2 - the husband is to love his wife by meeting her needs...

Josephine, Sarah and Rose

...he is to discover what her needs are and then take initiative to meet those needs...

Emily testing her pen

Just as Jesus died for our sins because we needed God's forgiveness and not because we had even accepted Him...he took the initiative because He knew we had a need!

 If he does not know what her needs are, there is a simple way to find out - ask her!

Emily writing the words from the board

The type of love a husband is to have for his wife is found in Eph 5...the following statements are a description of Jesus' love for us...

 I saw Emily needed a pen and 'initiated' the action to give her one!

The first type of love is Sacrificial Love - a man must ask himself "What am I willing to lay down for my wife?" Jesus laid down His life for us...a man must do the same for his wife.

The second type of love is Unifying Love - the wife must feel that she is the number one priority in her husband's heart...

Denise, Josephine, Sarah, Rose, Emily

The third type of love is Purifying Love - many times wives need to be cleansed from anger, insecurity, fear, poor self-esteem and loneliness...when husbands love their wives properly, these things are washed out of their spirits and they begin to reveal the true glory of God that dwells in them.

Rose, Emily, Serah

The fourth is Personal Love - he is to love his wife even as he loves his own body.  He is to take care of his wife with the same passion that he would take care of himself.

Rachel, Linet, Susan

Denise shared a beautiful story told to her by a Kenyan woman during a marriage conference; at the beginning of her marriage her husband requested a warm bath to be drawn every evening when he got home...

Elida, Linet, Susan

...he then asked her to join him and insisted on bathing her first and then himself...at first she was uncomfortable with this intensity of intimacy...but soon she learned to receive love in the way he was able to show it...they still practice this 'act of love' after almost 50 years of marriage!

Elida arrived late so is writing the words from the board!

The fifth is Inseparable Love - the husband and wife are to lose their self-centeredness and begin living life for one another...

Rachel and Elida studying the words on the board!

Men need to be aware of the basic needs of a wife, which are the need for: 1 - Affection; thoughtfulness through giving, serving and caring...

An intimate moment between mother and son...

#2 need is for Conversation - when he takes time to share things with his wife, she feels more intimate with him and senses that he wants her to be a part of his life...

Sarah listening intently as Josephine translates

3 - the need for Security - it is knowing that he will protect her and their children that makes her feel safe, guarded, protected and provided for.

4 - the need for Honesty - when he is willing to stay open and honest about his personal struggles and daily activities, she feels secure because trust is not violated. 

Rose (above) agrees that it is very bad if/when a husband lies and Serah (below) declared that it undermines trust...

5 - Family Commitment - a basic need of a wife is knowing that her husband will help carry the burden of caring for the family.

Rose then read from 1 Pet 3:7 which describes the way a husband is to honor his wife as the weaker vessel...

Responsibility #3 - he needs to understand and accept the uniqueness of his wife...

Truth - women (usually) have physical limitations when compared to men...

...although Denise did point out that Kenyan women are some of the strongest she has ever seen!

Rose and Emily smiling their agreement of this reality!

 Actually God is very serious about how a husband treats his wife's physical limitations...

Emily, very pregnant, requires even more sensitivity from her husband

...he should be sensitive to when she has pushed herself too hard and not expect from her what she cannot physically do...

Rachel and Elida, two very strong women, smile also

...in fact if he ignores his wife's needs in this way, his prayers will actually be hindered - God will not hear his prayers!

Linet and Susan agree-Kenyan women are very strong!

 Responsibility #4 - he is to increase the value of his wife through honor and respect...

...he is to protect her honor and publicly communicate honor to her...

 Honor means "to value or consider precious"...imagine!

  When he values his wife in this way, she begins to value herself even more...

Whatever a man invests in, he will treasure that thing!  I saw Rose underlining many of these passages in the handout!

Denise then asked how the wives would feel if their husbands valued them like they do their cell phones!

Dorothy and Rachel can relate!

That brought many smiles and laughs...men openly highly value their cell phones; watching over them, always having them along, even showing them off!

Each week we have 'homework' questions, designed to help the women to process and apply all that is learned during each lesson...

This week there was a twist; the questions are for their husbands to answer!  The ladies are to present the questions and the listen...truly listen, with no response, no defense...

This was a sobering thought for them...we are asking them to understand the husband's perspective - not to criticize, find fault, direct or correct...

The questions are: 1. In Gen 1:18-24 the wife is described as a companion or help-mate for the man. God created her for that purpose!

So - in light of that here is the question: As your wife, how would you like me to show support and to provide companionship to you?

Number 2 is threefold: a) What do you enjoy/like/value most about our marriage?

b) What do you enjoy/like/value most about me?

c) What do you enjoy/like/value most about our family?

3. How would you like for me to pray for our marriage?

Linet's listening pose?

4. What are some ways I can pray for you?

The ladies will need to bathe this assignment in much prayer and plan to approach their husbands with humble hearts!

They may choose to verbally ask the questions and then write the answers as the husband responds...

...or they may choose to give the paper to the husband for him to read and write his responses...or they may even choose to give the paper to the husband to complete at his own leisure - although this one is not recommended as she may not get the paper back!

But the best way would be if they can generate a dialogue...

It took some time for the reality of what they are being asked to do to settle into their minds...

...we could tell by their body language that questions, concerns, even arguments were looming just beneath the surface...

Rose's question "What if the husband will not help with the assignment?" generated much discussion!  Even though she asked for herself she knew others were thinking the same thing...

After explaining the value and meaning of the assignment and stressing that they promise to say nothing no matter what he says, if he still refuses they can even say "I respect your decision..."

There may be many reasons why he might refuse; this type of dialogue is a first, he does not believe she will not argue with his responses, he thinks she may have a hidden agenda for the questions.

A common question often is "Are you trying to trap me?"

The knowing smiles around the circle tell me that is an oft heard expression and one they anticipate they might here in the next week!

It was good for them to laugh a bit and even begin to see the possibilities that could come from this exercise!

Dorothy had a similar question; whenever she needs/wants to discuss family/household matters with him he is always too tired and wants to put it off...

...and when she comes back to him later, he is still too tired, or even too busy...

Denise recognized that this may be a common problem in marriages and acknowledged that the husbands may not be quite ready for this level of communication...

I love the way Josephine studies Denise's face while she is teaching

Elida, who is a widow, wonders how the assignment applies to her...

Having anticipated this concern, Denise helped her to see that as she is a leader in the church there are women who look to her for guidance...

Also, she has a daughter!  These questions can be helpful for married women in her church and also for her to help guide her daughter to a good husband...or at least to be able to avoid the wrong one!

Rose, tagging onto Dorothy's concerns, also shared that often in marriage meaningful conversation is lacking; there is no time of sharing, no sense of family...

Susan has lived with this reality for years...she shared that often husbands and wives know each other only on the 'outside'...

...but they never see 'inside' of one another...

...she is comforted by the reality that God knows the inside of her and the inside of her husband.

She tries to encourage the ladies to find peace in knowing that...

Dorothy shared another common occurrence; sometimes the husband plans something but does not share it with the wife...

...or when the wife brings up an issue he says he has already been thinking about it and has a plan-but often he has not thought about it at all!

She then feels she is left to do that thing or it won't get done...

...or takes credit when it does get done saying he had planned it that way all along!

Denise encouraged the ladies, as often as possible, to validate their husbands and even appreciate their 'pre-planning' even when it is obvious they had not thought about it...

Serah became upset over her husband's neglect of the children's spiritual education and spent years in their marriage waiting for him to teach them the word of God...

She continually asked why he would not take his rightful responsibility...What would become of the children if they do not develop a firm foundation on the word of God?

Denise reminded us about the mother of Moses. When the father was passive, she took action.  Like her, sometimes wives need to take action for God's destiny to be fulfilled in that child.

Eliphine then shared a story of her daughter who was struggling in school...

...the father seemed uninterested and was not taking action...

...she enlisted the help of his brother to move the girl to a boarding school...

...as a result the girl's grades turned around and she began receiving honors at school...

The husband was so proud of his girl!  He loved telling his friends what a wonderful student she was...

...but never did mention it was his wife and his brother who had been instrumental in the girl's success.  It takes much patience and grace for a wife to support her husband and also do what is right for her family.

Susan ended our time together by sharing a story of patience...she had prayed for years that her husband would begin to attend church and for years he stayed home every Sunday while she took the children to church...

...until November 21, 2011 - when he announced he was going to church and has gone every Sunday since that time!  What an encouraging word!

As we stood for prayer we realized there is much to pray about for the marriages and families...

...represented around this circle...

I am excited at what God is doing through this teaching...there are more possibilities for restoration and transformation that we had imagined.  Please pray that God has His way in the lives of these ladies and in their marriages and families and churches!